Rookie Moves

Most people are pregnant right now. It’s a statistical fact.

And you know what? I’m glad it’s not me. I mean, I love babies and kids and people, and I understand that pregnancy’s just how humanity sausage gets made.  Furthermore, I have a lot of respect and admiration for pregnant bodies, pregnant psyches, pregnant stamina.  But beautiful and transformative experiences can also be hellish in every way, and so pregnancy was for me.

I don’t know why I took to pregnancy like a duck to auto repair, but I just did.  People always tell you that your body will just KNOW how to be pregnant, but that’s bullshit: nothing about pregnancy was intuitive for this body. I mean, I really love my corporeal self and have a ton of compassion for it, but there were lots of moments in that 9 months when I was like, “Seriously? Seriously. Body: I love you, but there’s a template for this shit–couldn’t you have taken a break from playing air guitar just long enough to read the directions?”

You know what watching my pregnant body felt like? It felt like watching a 13 year old try to be in a romantic relationship with another 13 year old: it did some stuff too soon, it waited too long to do some other important stuff, it worried and disgusted and embarrassed the people around it….

If you want details, I’ll give you details.  I started lactating at 16 weeks.  My cervix decided it was high time we had this baby at 23 weeks.  I swelled up like a toad at about 34 weeks and lost 35 pounds of water weight in the week after I had Odessa. None of that stuff is normal or ideal.

It’s because of all those and many other rookie moves that I’m not sure I can trust my body to grow another baby.  I’m clearly not cut out for it.  But I think I’m actually doing the female end of humanity a disservice by telling other people that pregnancy was essentially the nadir of my experience. I fear I’ve seriously spooked the childless friends who have watched me fumble and whine through pregnancy, infancy, babyhood and toddlerdom.

But I want everybody to listen to me right now: it was worth it.  And your body is probably going to be way better at it than mine. Unless you’re a dude, in which case, sorry.  Even my body is better at being pregnant than yours.


One comment

  1. phillydarladarla

    i still want to let a human grow inside my belly until the day it decides to painfully exit through a very small and cherished cavity so…no worries…didn’t spook me.

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